"trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother-fucker's reflection."
you can let the sun in

Six billion of us walking the planet.
Six billion smaller worlds on the bigger one.
Shoe salesmen and short-order cooks who look boring from the outside
- some have weirder lives than you.
Six billion stories, every one an epic,
full of tragedy and triumph,
good and evil,
despair and hope.
You and me - we aren’t so special, bro.

you can say something

you can enrich your mind
Jas Cheng
Marcus A.C

you can read me again and again
  • 08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
  • 09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
  • 10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
  • 11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
  • 12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
  • 01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
  • 02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
  • 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
  • 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
  • 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
  • 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
  • 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
  • 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
  • 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
  • 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
  • 11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
  • 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
  • 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
  • 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
  • 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
  • 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
  • 07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
  • 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
  • 09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
  • 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
  • 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
  • 12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
  • 01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
  • 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
  • 03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
  • 04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
  • 05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
  • 06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
  • 07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
  • 08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
  • 09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
  • 10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
  • 11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
  • 12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
  • 01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
  • 02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
  • 03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
  • 04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
  • 05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
  • 06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
  • 07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
  • 08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
  • 09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
  • 10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
  • 11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
  • 12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
  • 01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
  • 02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
  • 03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
  • 04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
  • 05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
  • 06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
  • 07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
  • 08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008
  • 09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
  • 10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
  • 11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
  • 12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009
  • 01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009
  • 02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009
  • 03/01/2009 - 04/01/2009
  • 04/01/2009 - 05/01/2009
  • 05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009
  • 06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009
  • 07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009
  • 08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009
  • 09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009
  • 10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009
  • 11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009
  • 12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010
  • 01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010
  • 02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010
  • 03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010
  • 04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010
  • 05/01/2010 - 06/01/2010
  • 06/01/2010 - 07/01/2010
  • 07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010
  • 08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010
  • 09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010
  • 10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010
  • 12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011
  • 01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011
  • 02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011
  • 03/01/2011 - 04/01/2011
  • 06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011
  • 11/01/2011 - 12/01/2011
  • 12/01/2011 - 01/01/2012
  • 08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012
  • 11/01/2012 - 12/01/2012
  • 05/01/2013 - 06/01/2013
  • 11/01/2014 - 12/01/2014

  • you can thank them
    Layout: vehemency
    Icon: reruntherace
    Homeground: blogger

    Monday, November 24, 2014, 11/24/2014 03:13:00 PM

    everything is as apt as it can get. [this is from: http://iaremunyee.blogspot.sg/]

    I will call you and we will meet.

    The location doesn't really matter as long as the sheets are clean.

    The meeting point will be at an inconspicuous café across the street. When you arrive tactfully ten minutes early, we can perhaps make attempts at small talk, work the weather.

    Push open those glass doors; walk up to the counter together, but not quite. You would tactfully pay the overnight rate though the seemingly disinterested cashier girl and we both know otherwise - this wouldn't last more than a few hours.

    Tap the key card. Listen to the robotic beep promising a false sense of security.

    But before you enter,

    Leave yourself at the door. Leave your personality by the threshold of the room. Take off your likes and dislikes, dreams and fears.  I don’t want to know what your favourite colour is; what makes you laugh, what makes you cry.

    Don’t tell me about your beliefs and principles. When it comes to your God, it matters not if there is more than one or if you believe in none.  

    Be static; an uninteresting sum of body parts, devoid of distinguishable marks. Don't tell me what caused that scar or whom that tattoo was meant for. Be a uniform, mass-produced, manufactured, artificial product. Homogeneous and predictable in every form and manner.

    Bring nothing through the door that I may remember you by.

    Foreplay is optional; there is no need to waste time in coaxing each other to a place we both want to go.

    We will go through the motions, the well-practised moves.  I will time my moans and sighs just right.

    Don’t worry – you won’t be able to tell if I am faking it.

    But in and throughout, call me no affectionate names. You can however, use something derogatory and predictable.

    No, I will not refer to you as my father.

    Run your hands over every inch of me, but memorize nothing. Explore every space and crevice but leave no marks, claim nothing. Kiss me nowhere unpredictable; don’t whisper sweet nothings into my ear.

    When you finish, do not offer to cuddle or lie next to me.

    I don't need to hear how good it was, or if I was the best you ever had. You don't have to make false promises to call me next week, or that we should do this again. This whole thing already reeks of bullshit, we need not add to the steaming pile.

    You will come prepared with an excuse, and have to leave. I won't question it. I will feign despair at your hasty departure. But you will insist and I will relent.

    You will dress yourself - No, I won't help. 

    Gather your things, comb your hair - leave no evidence but a used foil packet and crumpled sheets tinged with regret.

    At the door, there will be neither handshakes nor awkward hugs. No transactions, be it affectionate or monetary.

    You came through the door with nothing, you will leave with nothing. 

    Walk out the door. Don't look back.

    Tuesday, May 28, 2013, 5/28/2013 10:43:00 PM

    Where are you, the man who I will love? The person who will be beside me forever? I’ve been looking for you all my life. I looked for you when I sat with my best friend late at night, reading our teen magazines, flipping through the pages of love stories. “How to find a boyfriend,” “15 fun dates under $15,” “Best qualities in a boyfriend.” And we lay there, late at night, whispering what we’d want in you.
    Funny. Protective. Charming.
    The things we do together, the types of things you say, what you’d look like, slipping from our lips as our eyes fluttered shut. Married by 25. Kids by 27. We’d be virgins for you, we swore. I was supposed to find you straight of high school, maybe in college. And I’d fall asleep imagining your strong arms keeping me safe. Are you looking for me, too?
    I’m getting older, and I still haven’t found you. What do you look like? Will you have the same brown eyes that I do? Maybe you are tall and lean, or maybe you are overweight. I would run my fingers through your blonde hair and kiss your eyelashes. I can imagine your soft lips on mine — or are they rough lips? It would be cold and rainy, there would be mascara running down my face, but you’d be there, quick with a towel and this incredible warmth. “I love you,” you’d say, and suddenly my sadness would be gone. I’d fall asleep, cradled against your warm chest. But where are you?
    I looked for you in the metro. And I looked for you in my new classes. I thought maybe you’d be in the library, or perhaps the train. I looked for you that night in the bar. Maybe you were halfway across the world, so I looked for you there, too. But the person I found in the metro never messaged me back. The boy I found in my classes found someone else. And the boy in the bar? I still wonder if that was you. You gave me cough medicine and bandaged my cuts. You told me I was beautiful and made love to me in the rain. You told me I was special and gave me your heart. You have sad eyes, but you’re perfect. I thought I had finally found you, and suddenly you were gone.
    Did we bump into each other that day in the park? Maybe I shouldn’t have been listening to my headphones. Did you see me, and think I was too ugly? I should’ve worn that pink dress. Could you have been on that bus I missed by a second? Or, perhaps, I was too mean to you when we were kids. Are you that guy I was too shy to talk to? Maybe I looked like shit that day. I should’ve worn more make-up. Could it be you’re scared to find me? I would never hurt you. My friends found you, and my aunt found you, even my 16 year old cousin found you, but I haven’t found you. Could you have died in a freak accident? And as you lay there, bleeding out, you apologized to me with your last words — since you’d leave me to be alone forever, wondering if I’d ever find you.
    This is getting exhausting. Are you one of my friends? And suddenly, I’d see you’ve been here the entire time, surely not. You can’t be. Could you have fallen in love with someone else? I’m tired of looking for you, my love. If we’re playing hide-and-seek, I’m ready to surrender the game. You can win this time.
    Where are you? For now, darling, I give up. And while I wait, maybe I’ll find me instead. 

    -They say everyone has a soulmate, but i'm still waiting-

    Friday, November 02, 2012, 11/02/2012 01:48:00 AM

    the world's probably asleep. its going to be one of those nights, i had too much caffeine - 3 mochas in a day, all in the name of work. what a bad move and now i'm paying for it where i listen to emotional songs and think about my life.

     i mean what can one do at this time, i am not seeing anybody to call someone up for a late night booty call, TV shows don't have good shows, my friends whom i want to talk to are asleep so i decided to turn to my dormant blog that nobody reads but strangely my pageviews do show visitors so HELLO! WELCOME!

    i took time to re-read my old blog posts, they had so much passion, so much life, everything i wrote was descriptive, interesting and funny. now my posts are just repetitive, like a monologue. i think even a monologue has that much life. don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining, just seeking that spark. strange how we are never satisfied with our lives, never content with what we have, always want more more and more.

    am i too lazy or just pure nonchalant on what's happening? is it an age thing? or rather social media don't work as well for me - i'm not interested to post everything on facebook, i don't have a twitter account, i've cut down on instagram, so what exactly is trending now? what irony since my next job requires me to know about social media and the world.

    i've recently got offered a job in a marketing / pr company which i'm contemplating to take up. however the hesitation kicks in since i've been on my own since July - what glorious 5 months it has been, doing your own thing, earning your own keep (5 figure sum), overseas holidays every month, what's there not to like? sure, the practicality of no stable income, no cpf kicks in, but honestly, one of the best "vacations", it could really be enjoyable.

    i just want to take this chance to thank Gabriel for the chance, his help when i needed to get out of K*******, however the collaboration couldn't work out, different working styles - which means it's always true that friends / spouses cant work together or it takes sheer determination and grit to get through that. Elmer's awesome at 360 too, however being freelance or your own boss means you have to actively find business, and right now, our clientele is not so big and there are still chances for me to learn in the trade for me to come out to be in the trade. sounds legit?

    deep inside, i'm going to take the job up which means being in the rat race once more, the endless complaints. maybe there will be, there won't be. since i had 5 months to find myself, i have nothing to complain, my friends can vouch, i did look happier, much calmer. but it also gave me chance to work harder since the money coming in is actually tangible and faster too. but i'm sure there's no free lunch so there's always going to be a catch somewhere.

    ha ha and i've set-up my own company - punchbowl. im still trying to figure out how this is all going to be like, there will be chances for punchbowl to shine, just waiting for the right op.

    i'll live, i've survived, i'm sure i can again. and i think i'm going to be okay with challenges. that's what life is about. cycle after cycle.

    “I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”
    Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

    11/02/2012 12:20:00 AM

    “It's much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit their and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.”
    Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

    Tuesday, August 14, 2012, 8/14/2012 11:40:00 PM

    i'm not a hipster, neither will i try to be one. don't understand their music and dress sense.

    however, i'm living an indie working lifestyle where i work with one of my best buds (lines have to be drawn very carefully), i sort of have my own time, own target - just have to be more structured and organised and basically can work from anywhere. i won't say it's time of my life yet but i hope to get there.

    i realized as i grow older, i am not so ambitious as i was much younger. don't get me wrong, i am not going to just live day by day but right now, at this instance, it's okay. to do your own things, to earn money, to strive for a work-life balance. after all, our mm LKY asks us to get married and have babies. really? that easy? i don't know, i haven't been dating - isn't it a vicious cycle since i thrive on working hard but yet i want this whole regular someone, regular sex, regular affection etc.

    a fengshui master told me that my expiry age for marriage ends at 31 (i think), i have technically 3 years more. if not, the next age will be 42 which is really a while to go. i was reading this article (http://cosmopolitan.sg/2012/08/07/single-and-lovin-it-vanessa-tai/) - thanks pea,
    "some people reading this may think this is just bravado on my part, given that I’ve been single for so long. I respectfully disagree. Over the years of being single, I’ve grown to become more and more comfortable in my own skin and I now realise I don’t need a man to complete my life – it’s already complete, thank you very much. If anything, he has to complement it." the part on the finding a man to complement it is true. you are pretty much your own woman. i guess if it comes, it comes. 

    Can I be blamed for wanting a real body, to put my arms around? Without it, I too am disembodied. I can listen to my own heartbeat against the bedsprings, I can stroke myself, under the dry white sheets, in the dark, but I too am dry and white, hard, granular; it’s like running my hand over a plateful of dry rice; it’s like snow. There’s something dead about it, something deserted. I am like a room where things once happened and now thing does except the pollen of the weeds that grow up outside the window blowing in as dust across the floor.

    - Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale

    it's too early to say that i've found peace, but leaving my ex company was one of the best choices I've made. that place sucked my soul and made me have low self-esteem and i HARDLY have low self esteem. the people there no doubt were nice, some of them anyway, it was really a good place to learn and grow.

    rihanna went back to chris brown, one of us just had to go do it.

    My friends think I am over you because I stopped talking about you. The truth is that I just stopped talking about you, because they all got tired of listening. I am definitely not over you.

    Tuesday, August 07, 2012, 8/07/2012 12:49:00 AM

    dear i,

    i saw you today, in your car, driving and texting at the same time, as always. i so don't mean to stalk you but you're always there when i don't need you. ironic isn't it. how have you been? i hope you have been good. never mind about the money, i've forgotten about it, i'm not angry anymore, you can keep the loan.

    i was an angry person a year ago. angry at the way things were, angry at myself mostly. to allow myself being close to you, to think otherwise. to be so giving, to be so accommodating, to be so daring. i liked you, i really liked you. i looked up to you, i think you're damn cool for your age. but what happened? mid-life crisis? i just don't believe i was not better than the sweet young thing you had or the red dress fake blonde you had. did you pay them, i'm sure they don't charge $40 a pop. or they like me? seduction first then in return, you'll get money. is that how you scam? or how your dick works?

    you know what's the most funny thing here is? i still want you, as much as you are a bastard and dickhead (pardon the pun). somewhere out there, karma and life are mocking me, they want to see me fall, hard. 

    maybe this email will not reach you, or it will. you'll never reply to this or delete me forever in your life, but i have to let you know because it's eating me inside the whole day. how can a mere sight of you makes my whole system overhaul? This is ridiculous, i'm ridiculous, writing to you to tell you how i really feel because i don't like whatsapp. i don't like how it tells me that you're awake at this time because you might be texting some fuck buddy.

    i'm bewildering myself by even telling you all these.

    if you see this, then call me.
    after all, ramadan is a month for forgiveness right.

    best regards,
    this loser for life

    Sunday, December 04, 2011, 12/04/2011 08:02:00 PM

    hey pea.

    look at this:

    THEN (2008)

    NOW (2011)


    Sunday, November 27, 2011, 11/27/2011 10:08:00 AM

    "People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, People may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, They may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway." - Mother Teresa